Thursday, October 1, 2009

stinky ramblings

apparently, i am not that great at multi-tasking-motherhood duties. today vivian mentioned that i was "stinky" looking. now in her defense i was a bit...well....let's just say "unkept". leave it to a four year old to be honest.

so, in her honor, here is a little more honesty for you:

my mother did not own a baseball hat. nor any other greasy hair covering accessories. never in all my years did i see her wear a ponytail or pick me up from school with paint covered clothes, or no makeup. dinner was NEVER frozen. piles of laundry were never insurmountable (ie. taller than the children). the table was set every night, the clean clothes were on the corner of your made bed when you got home from school....and you were greeted by a hair-rolled-lipstick-on picture of perfection. how in the world did she do it?

i wish i knew.

i wish she were here to ask.

but she isn't, and that stinks, too.

all too often i feel like we as mothers are...well...guilt ridden. for example: i have been wrestling with the fact that i didn't think on the night of vivian's accident to have a plastic surgeon sew her up. the truth is, at that moment i didn't care. all i wanted was MY vivian. my walking, talking (even sassing), laughing four year old. her partially shaved head, and a booboo were (and still are) SO minimal, as long as the rest was intact. and i KNOW that in the big spectrum who gives a hoohoo about a scar, right?! but alas....mommy me=guilty. case in point: tonight for dinner i made a pumpkin pie. note: i said for dinner, not for dessert. yeah, and then i realized that was pretty unhealthy, so after dance i got the kids mcd's instead. yeah, i'm mother of the year, i know. why am i spilling the proverbial beans, you ask? where are my rambling leading? who knows....

but i do know this: i have been in a bit of a funk lately. feeling as if something big is about to happen. i won't lie, the last few weeks have been....well....heavy. i have started a new bible study of esther. it is amazing, and is truly rocking my world...changing the way i look, at not only myself, but my marriage, and other women. also, i don't think i have shared that my best friend lost her baby a few weeks ago at almost 17 weeks. this hit me a lot harder than expected....being the medical type i have always thought miscarriages were god's way of protecting us. (i KNOW this isn't a popular opinion, but i have been on the other end of so many difficult pregnancies, and to watch the family and child changes you, and your opinions.) but this was different somehow...personal. shocking. then there was a sudden death of a young man in our community. i did not know him, but his very easily could have been our story. and it moved clif and i both to tears.

so for the record, there is definitely something brewing...and i am hovering between thrilled and terrified.....and oh yeah, stinky.


Kelly said...

Your mom sounds like the kind of woman I aspire to be. Some days I can "be" her and days like today I'm in my PJ's still with no make-up and just kind of a mess. I'm sure you miss your mom so much.
I know what you are talking about....I think I read WAY too many blogs. I hear so many sad and freaky and scary stories about babies and children and all the things that can go wrong that I'm scared silly to have another baby. I know too much this time. Praying for peace for you!

jkhenson said...

God is working-even when you're not sure what's up, or have that heavy feeling. I truly believe God is working. We have to remember, that while we are prayer warriors, and often worriers, God challenges us to see good stories-like your Vivian and Kelly's Harper. It is hard to lose babies-I've lost two-but God has blessed me unimaginably in so many ways. We don't cut ourselves enough slack; we aren't perfect. God didn't make us to be. :) I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you and that heaviness that sits on you as you wait for that something big. :)

CathyBB said...

Hey you, I hope you're feeling a bit better now that you got some good news... one more fiasco averted, right?!?!?! =)

If you're still feeling low, I have a book from Bobbie that helps me and I guarantee she'd be thrilled to share it herself. I can't quote it exactly but it's about how Jesus wants us to have confidence (or courage, depending on your translation)... to the sinner he said your sins are forgiven, to the woman who touched his cloak he said you are cured, to the Apostles on the lake he said fear not, and on the night of his Last Supper he said I have overcome the world. (Like I said, not an exact quote, but you get the idea). It may be a bit Pollyanna-ish but I really like it... if He kept telling us to be confident, He must have meant it!

Now before you laugh out loud, please note I didn't say I ALWAYS remember this or NEVER get scared myself! =) But it helps sometimes, and I hope it helps you.

Now as for the other matter... I have a hard time imagining you "stinky"!!! But if you are, don't worry... you ARE very like your mother in that despite the challenges you've been dealt, you keep facing them! You've been through far more than anyone should have to, yet the world you're showing your children is one of beauty and love. So hang in there!

And if that doesn't work, come visit Nebraska again! Natalie is STILL hoping you'll buy the house next door to us! It's still on the market! =)

katandkarl said...

hey stinky mommy. you are wonderful. xoxo.

Susan said...

Yummm...pumpkin pie...and pumpkin is a vegetable right, so how is that not healthy?!