stinky ramblings

apparently, i am not that great at multi-tasking-motherhood duties. today vivian mentioned that i was "stinky" looking. now in her defense i was a bit...well....let's just say "unkept". leave it to a four year old to be honest.

so, in her honor, here is a little more honesty for you:

my mother did not own a baseball hat. nor any other greasy hair covering accessories. never in all my years did i see her wear a ponytail or pick me up from school with paint covered clothes, or no makeup. dinner was NEVER frozen. piles of laundry were never insurmountable (ie. taller than the children). the table was set every night, the clean clothes were on the corner of your made bed when you got home from school....and you were greeted by a hair-rolled-lipstick-on picture of perfection. how in the world did she do it?

i wish i knew.

i wish she were here to ask.

but she isn't, and that stinks, too.

all too often i feel like we as mothers are...well...guilt ridden. for example: i have been wrestling with the fact that i didn't think on the night of vivian's accident to have a plastic surgeon sew her up. the truth is, at that moment i didn't care. all i wanted was MY vivian. my walking, talking (even sassing), laughing four year old. her partially shaved head, and a booboo were (and still are) SO minimal, as long as the rest was intact. and i KNOW that in the big spectrum who gives a hoohoo about a scar, right?! but alas....mommy me=guilty. case in point: tonight for dinner i made a pumpkin pie. note: i said for dinner, not for dessert. yeah, and then i realized that was pretty unhealthy, so after dance i got the kids mcd's instead. yeah, i'm mother of the year, i know. why am i spilling the proverbial beans, you ask? where are my rambling leading? who knows....

but i do know this: i have been in a bit of a funk lately. feeling as if something big is about to happen. i won't lie, the last few weeks have been....well....heavy. i have started a new bible study of esther. it is amazing, and is truly rocking my world...changing the way i look, at not only myself, but my marriage, and other women. also, i don't think i have shared that my best friend lost her baby a few weeks ago at almost 17 weeks. this hit me a lot harder than expected....being the medical type i have always thought miscarriages were god's way of protecting us. (i KNOW this isn't a popular opinion, but i have been on the other end of so many difficult pregnancies, and to watch the family and child suffer...it changes you, and your opinions.) but this was different somehow...personal. shocking. then there was a sudden death of a young man in our community. i did not know him, but his story....so very easily could have been our story. and it moved clif and i both to tears.

so for the record, there is definitely something brewing...and i am hovering between thrilled and terrified.....and oh yeah, stinky.